you ruined me

all of you

clumsy

i am what others think of me

idiotic
lazy
clumsy
dimwitted

why am i trying to prove a nonexistent intelligence

why am i trying to prove that there is light

worth

out of the pitch dark

dignity
respect
self worth
love
security

i have none of the above
my body is not a temple.
my mind is not a temple.
it is the aftermath of a hurricane.

i do not need to move on with michael and treat him like a friend.
i deserve as much shit.

i do not need to helplessly push away these fears in sake of my emotions
i deserve this shit

afterall
i am nothing

worthless

my body is not sacred
my mind is not a preserved and working
my feelings are not meant to be taped together
my heart is not meant to be in one

i am meant to be exploited
my mind is deserved to be corrupted
my feelings are meant to not be of concern
my heart is meant to be shattered

because i am jacqueline
and that identity will remain forever
for i am undeserving

why cant i just be strong enough for once

my whole life i have been treated like crap. maybe it is about time that i realize that i am a piece of crap. my father. paul. michael.

perhaps the reason why i cannot let go of michael is because i feel like the crap he is giving me is what i deserve. it is what i am used to. it is who i am..

so why am i struggling and arguing for more? for once i am trying to pursue something that exceeds the standards of my own worth, and that is just beyond what i can do and be. why am i trying.

i am not a normal, loving human being. i am jacqueline. i grew up with an abusive father. i grew up with an abusive 'uncle' whom was supposed to be the man that i looked up to as a father.

i am tired of men coming in and out of my life ripping away my trust and heart. but yet.. i am so used to it i can only be so hurt so much and for so long until i am desensitized by it.

i grew up trusting paul. i met him when i was only five years old. he helped our family by escaping and providing financial wealth. i never knew that the man i ended up trusting would be the one who ripped me apart in pieces. as a woman. as a girl. as an individual.

sometimes i just never think about it, because pushing it away has been the best defense mechanism i have ever had. but when i do, it gets me. it makes me stream tears that melt away the person that i have built.

i am nothing but bricks and pieces. its as if for years i have built a jenga tower, and somebody careless whom i have trusted knocked it over knowing my fragility. knowing my young and innocent mind.. how i wish i had that back.

but it is too far now. and i still feel like the very first day it has happened. i have not changed since. ive just pushed it away like ive always have.

beauty 101

i wish there was a way that i could be practically beautiful. i wish there was some sort of class you can take that could teach you how to put your makeup on right, to dress attractively, to be attractive, and how to be comfortable in your own skin.

i hate these endless nights and endless mornings of jealousy and inferiority. how can i ever be as beautiful as the other women around me? how will i ever be able to find somebody who will love me for the way i am?

i am tainted. i am flawed. i am galaxies away from perfection... why am i still living this horrid life

i wish i was not me. why cant i be some beautiful and talented celebrity who has it all. i would feel like everything would be right and i can have the hope to go places if i were in that position. but look at me. ya, i am lucky and all with a wonderful mother and life but take a good look at me. i am shit. i will always be shit.

sometimes i am proud of my childhood, and i am proud of being here today and not ending up doing some drugs or having sex around for money. wesley said he was surprised, that i made it this far and that i am doing good. i am surprised too. i must be one of the few exceptions... that were at least victimized the way i was.

but i don't know, perhaps if i didn't shove those memories down into the hole maybe i would not be where i am today. maybe i would of ended up into some heroin rehab..

and now that i am growing older, the more and more i am realizing that there is just something that is not quite right. there is something wrong with me, perhaps personally.. this insecurity and inadequacy that swallows me away of pain and incompetency. i want to feel happy. i want to be happy, but some days i just cannot find it.

i walk around, covered in artificial coloring smothered on my face, and i just do not feel beautiful. i do not feel loved. i do not feel wanted.. and why is it that i yearn these emotions so badly?

and then i think again. perhaps it is the fact that i never was able to acquire those feelings when i was a child. and look at me now. i am reaching the age of adult hood and i still do not have it.

maybe the scariest thought is just of me dying... lonely. dying the same way i have been living. i have been wishing for a change my whole life and it just does not seem to make any progress.

inadequacy

quite possibly one of the worst feelings ever known to man.

to know that you are not good enough. to know that you are let alone not 'good' at all for that matter. to know that you are useless. to know that you might as well just never be loved. to send a piece of cold vibration and have none returned...

you are... inadequate.

and that is me. sadly. i put so much effort into bettering myself, physically and personally, yet i will just never be able to be good enough. i want to feel and be beautiful. i want to be the mother teresa in my heart. i want to be this and that, and i want to reach the expectations without having to fall.


but i can't. it is either nobody believes in me or i just can't seem to get it right.

why do i still make the efforts of trying to make myself seem and feel good, that perhaps one day i will be better than this worthless piece of junk i am. i am tired of being so darn selfless and trusting towards others, because in clear reality this world is just one big misleading place.